READ MATTHEW 18

A woman recently asked me what to do about a person in her church who had really hurt her feelings.  She was undecided because the preacher, her husband and two friends had given her conflicting advice about how to handle the situation.  What did I think she should do?

In my opinion she had already made a mistake by talking with the preacher, her husband and two friends.  In Matthew 18:15-17 Jesus made it clear that the wisest thing we can do is to first confront the individual with whom we have a disagreement.  It was obvious in the woman’s email that she hadn’t done that.

“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you.  If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.  But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’  If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector” (Matt. 18:15-17).

There are few directives in Scripture that are clearer and yet more frequently ignored by Christian people than this one.  When there is conflict we grumble about it to friends and family.   We threaten to “give them a piece of my mind some day.”  We document offenses and pile up a list of grievances.  We write letters to the preacher and elders about them or give them a cold shoulder.  We do everything except what Jesus said we should do.

The instruction couldn’t be plainer.  Go to the individual personally and tactfully express your concern.  Chances are the two of you will work it out and your friendship will move to a deeper level.  If the problem isn’t resolved then ask a Christian friend to go with you to confront it again.  (If you can’t find anyone to go with you then chances are it’s not as big an issue as you thought and you should follow Proverbs 19:11 and drop it.)  If the offender still doesn’t repent then tell it to the church leaders and let them handle it.

I’m convinced 90% of church problems would be resolved if church members would just have the courage to practice Matthew 18:15.  Granted, this process takes courage but the positive results are well worth the risk.  Your relationship will probably be restored; the other person’s reputation will likely be protected and the church will be harmonious.

I’ve been on both the giving and receiving end of that kind of Biblical confrontation and can testify that it works…even though it takes us out of our comfort zone.  Toward the end of my ministry, I offended one of my best friends by a term I used in the pulpit.  I described a cohabiting couple as, “shacking-up” and in his background that was a vulgar term.

You know what he did?  He came to me to talk about it.  Imagine!  He didn’t grumble to other friends to see if they agreed.  He didn’t complain to his wife or the elders.  He came to me first and said, “That phrase you used in your sermon last Sunday – “shacking up” – that didn’t sound like a Bob Russell phrase.”

Isn’t that good?  He didn’t say, “You really disappointed me!”  Or, “That was so inappropriate” or I know a lot of other people who were really offended by what you said.”  No, he said, “That didn’t sound like something you’d normally say.”  Because he came to me, personally and tactfully, I received it well and vowed that I wouldn’t use that phrase again …when he was in the audience! …Just kidding!

Galatians 6:1 gives this additional instruction.  “If someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently.”  The word restore in that verse is a Greek medical term that means, “to set a broken bone.”  Think of the patience and tenderness you want your doctor to have when you’ve broken a bone.  When attempting to heal a broken relationship don’t go angrily or bluntly, but approach it tactfully and gently.  And when your relationship is healed you’ll both be thankful.

** If you are enjoying this study through the book of Matthew with Bob Russell, be sure to check out Bob’s “Falling In Love With Jesus Again” Bible Study DVD and resources for your small group or church.