Last week dozens of American parents were indicted for their alleged involvement in a college admissions cheating scandal. Hollywood celebrities and wealthy elites gamed the system to get their children into Yale, Stanford, and other exclusive schools through fraudulent test scores, exaggerated athleticism and costly bribes.
THE PRIMARY MOTIVATION
Why? What motivates parents to break the law, shove aside more deserving students and put their children at risk of exposure – to say nothing of possible arrest?
One motivator is the parent’s ego. Many insecure mothers and fathers live vicariously through their children. They imagine boasting, “My daughter attends Yale” somehow gives them more status than if their child was enrolled at the State University.
It’s the same egotism I observed in a dad recently who kept screaming at his son during a fifth-grade basketball game: “Chad! Take over the game! Just take over the game!” Selfish play was not what the boy’s coach wanted to convey and not what would benefit him or his teammates years later. But I’m reasonably confident that father gets a vicarious thrill from his son being the leading scorer on his fifth-grade team. He probably dreams that one day his son will get a Division I scholarship offer, and that will make the dad feel like somebody important.
The second motivation is well-intentioned, but misdirected love. Overly protective parents are so determined that their beloved children not experience any hurt that they run interference for them from the time they are in pre-school. Years ago my parents told me, “You get in trouble at school, you’re going to be in trouble at home.” But too many modern parents rush to the principal’s office to defend their victimized offspring the minute they complain of a teacher’s correction.
These “helicopter” parents hover over their kids, protecting them from pain throughout high school and college. God-forbid that their child should suffer the disappointment of not being accepted at the Ivy League school of their choice. So Mom and Dad, motivated by misdirected love, break the rules so their precious child won’t he wounded by rejection.
Overly protective parents could profit from reading a new book, The Coddling of The American Mind – How Good Intentions and Bad Ideas Are Setting Up a Generation for Failure. The authors, Greg Lukianoff and Jonathan Haidt, suggest the “I” generation (the internet generation –youth now graduating from college) has been so coddled by controlling parents who shielded them against any ideas that may offend them that now safety is the Number One value. These youth resist real adventure; that’s why so many wind up living with their parents until they’re 30. It’s safe.
The book adds: “Today’s college students were raised by parents who had children’s best interest at heart but often did not give them the freedom to develop their antifragility…Safety trumps everything else, no matter how unlikely or trivial the potential danger…Kids become more fragile and less resilient, which signals to adults that they need more protection, which makes them even more fragile and less resilient.”
“A culture that allows the concept of ‘safety’ to creep so far that it equates emotional discomfort with physical danger is a culture that encourages people to systematically protect one another from the very experiences embedded in daily life that they need in order to become strong and healthy.”
SPIRITUAL LESSONS FOR PARENTS… AND GRANDPARENTS
Your descendants will have a much greater chance at reaching their potential if you:
(1) Allow your children to cope with difficulties and challenges on their own. Parents (and grandparents!), don’t keep running interference for your kids. Don’t think their future is totally dependent on you. Don’t isolate them from possible failure or pain. Don’t push your kids beyond what they are gifted to do or personally desirous of becoming.
A professional baseball scout told me, “Please inform parents they don’t have to enroll their child in year-round traveling teams and burn them out hoping someone will spot their abilities. Believe me, if your child is gifted enough to play professionally, we’ll find him.”
If your children don’t score high enough on the SAT to get into the college of their choice, let them deal with it personally and make adjustments. Let them write the letters and make the phone calls. Self-awareness, the ability to relate to people and the toughness to cope with stress determine success much more than I.Q. scores or college degrees. Progressively give them exposure to the real world and quit trying to manipulate their future. Trust God to take care of them. He loves them even more than you do.
(2) Set a Godly example for them. The most significant factor in determining your children’s future is an example of integrity at home. I believe that if parents have lied to get their child into a school, that child is much more likely to get expelled for cheating, jailed for breaking the law, or suffer from lifelong insecurity regardless of how privileged.
The Bible warns of the long-term consequences of parental dishonesty. “I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me…” (Deut. 5:9). Your children can pay a huge price for your transgressions, or they can be impacted positively by your integrity. Remember, “A man reaps what he sows” (Gal. 6:7).
(3) Teach your child that life’s primary goal is serving Christ. In the end, success isn’t graduating from Harvard, becoming a billionaire, being elected to high office or being a famous athlete. Jesus asked, “What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul?” (Mark 8:36).
Instill in your children from infancy, “We want you to use your gifts to bring honor and glory to Jesus Christ. Ultimate success is hearing the words of Jesus at life’s end, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant’” (Matt. 25:23). You accomplish that, and we’ll be very proud of you…forever!”
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