As discussed in the first two posts of this three-part series, Christian parents and grandparents grieve over children who have grown up in the church but, as adults, no longer share their Biblical values. Concerned not only about their salvation, these parents and grandparents are also distressed that the opposing worldviews impede meaningful relationships with their children and grandchildren.

To correct a problem, it is important first to identify and determine its cause. And just as there are multiple causes for children to leave the faith, there are multiple approaches parents and grandparents can take to address the issue. Understand, however, that what may work in one situation may not be effective in another. So prayerfully consider the approaches below to seek God’s wisdom and guidance for your situation.

1. Examine yourself. Jesus instructed us to remove the log from our own eye before taking the speck out of someone else’s eye. No parent is perfect, so repent of your own sins and, as much as possible, defuse the counter charge of hypocrisy. God promises, “Blessings crown the head of the righteous” (Proverbs 10:6).

2. Keep praying for your child. Don’t give up. No matter how far they have wandered away, pray without ceasing. Ask others to pray with you. I have friends who pray, “Lord, we plead with you that the circle of our family will be unbroken in eternity. Whatever it takes, even if it involves heartache, bring something into our son’s life that will motivate him to repent and return to you.”

Claim the promise in Hosea 14:4 for your child, “I will heal their waywardness and love them freely, for my anger has turned away from them.”

3. Avoid arguments. Heated arguments result in disagreeing children stubbornly digging their heels deeper in opposition. That means they will need to swallow even more pride before returning.

While they may claim doubt, the real cause is not intellectual doubt. It is sinful pride. Don’t spend a lot of time arguing over the Bible or giving an apologetic for faith. When the conversation gets intense, bite your tongue and quietly back off. Consider giving them Lee Strobel’s book, “A Case for Christ,” or “Mere Christianity” by C.S. Lewis, and let it go at that. They may think they are smarter than you, but they are not smarter than C.S. Lewis.

4. Write a letter explaining your concerns. You worry that they do not understand the eternal and earthly consequences of their behavior. Instead of constantly rehashing the same issues and making everyone miserable again, write a carefully crafted, loving letter expressing your convictions. Take your time. Apologize for your own mistakes. Make it clear that while you will avoid continuing to address the issue in the future, your concerns remain.

5. Don’t waiver on your beliefs. Sadly, this is a real temptation for many parents. Their children may argue that the parents are the problem and that the parents need to stop being so rigid. Consequently, parents often yield and compromise their core beliefs to avoid ongoing conflict. For instance, while they have always believed it was wrong for couples to cohabitate before marriage, they back down and reason, “Times have changed. When he brings his live-in girlfriend home, we let them sleep in the same room. They do it at their home anyway.”

The Lord warned that families would divide because of Him (see Matthew 10:21). Parents, do not waiver. Instead, “stand firm in the faith.” Your children need to see your primary allegiance is to Christ – not to them. They need a positive example of faith, not another endorsement of their rebellion.

6.  “Be joyful in all circumstances.” It has been said, “You are as happy as your most unhappy child.” Do not let that be true for you. While you are disappointed in your child, do not let their spiritual insubordination make your life miserable and everyone else in your inner circle. Your identity — your joy — is in Christ, not your prodigal child. So “Rejoice always” (1 Thessalonians 5:16). Life goes on.

7. If possible, maintain a united front with the rest of the family. Siblings and family members need to be on the same page. Grandparents, this means you! Our culture says it is time for you to take it easy and enjoy spoiling your grandchildren. However, scripture says grandparents are called to a greater level of influence, to “Teach them to your children and to their children after them” (Deuteronomy 4:9). Support the parent’s efforts to discipline your grandchildren.

8. Release them to God and wait patiently. When someone you love drifts away, the first inclination is to chase after them. However, when you grovel before them, they experience no distance – no discomfort — in the relationship and may feel more empowered.

The father of the prodigal son didn’t chase after his son and drag him home against his will. Even when the boy was in the pigpen, the dad waited for him to come to his senses. “The Lord disciplines the one he loves” (Hebrews 12:6). God will humble and chasten your child in His time. Don’t usurp God’s role. Trust Him.

9. Write a letter to be given to them upon your death. Make one final appeal. They will read a letter from you when you die. Reaffirm your love for them. Keep it short and heartfelt, but remind them Christ died for them and is eager to forgive and restore them.

10. Above all else, love them. Without endorsing behavior or enabling addiction, lovingly reach out with texts, emails, phone calls, and visits. Give generously at Christmas and birthdays. Provide help when needed. “Love covers a multitude of sins” (See 1 Peter 4:8). Remind them they are loved even though you disagree with their life choices.

11. At times, you may need to practice tough love. The Bible teaches that when fellow believers are living in flagrant sin, they are first to be confronted individually. If they do not listen, then confront them with others. If they still refuse to listen, believers are to withdraw fellowship from them (see Matthew 18:15-17 and 1 Corinthians 5). The purpose is to motivate repentance.

So, if they use your money to support an addiction, stop helping them financially. Do not enable their decadence. It is not loving when you help them to be comfortable in their sin. You should also reduce the amount of contact and time they spend with their younger siblings, who can be negatively influenced.

In extreme cases, it may be prudent to cut them out of the will, but you should explain why. They must understand that while you are brokenhearted over their rebellion, you intend to move on without them until they repent. Otherwise, you are decreasing the likelihood of repentance and increasing the risk of disaster.

12. Keep vigil on the front porch and be eager to welcome them home. Live in expectation. The father of the prodigal son saw the boy stumbling down the lane when “he was a long way off.” Apparently, the father was on the front porch every day, watching and anticipating.

When genuine repentance occurs, forgive and restore completely. Do not hold grudges. The prodigal’s father did not demand his son wallow in the dirt, repay what he had spent, or explain why he rebelled. Instead, “Forgive one another, just as in Christ, God has forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:32).

I have seen dramatic transformations in young lives. Children lost in sin were found, and others who were spiritually dead came back to life. Families that were once divided are now reunited. So, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9). 

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