Occasionally people ask my opinion on various personal or church issues. I recently received the following question which I have reprinted below, followed by my response.

QUESTION

Hi Mr. Russell, 

We were blessed enough to buy a lake house two yrs ago. We have two daughters — one engaged and the other one is soon to be engaged. Neither of the couples live together. But our issue is that the parents of one of our future son-in-law are divorced, and the dad has been living with his girlfriend for the past three years. I am told they have no plans to marry due to the previous divorce.

The dad and his girlfriend want to come and stay the weekend at the lake with our family. We really would like to get to know them better but have avoided making those plans because we’re not sure how to handle sleeping arrangements.   We’ve also struggled with how to handle this issue with coworkers who want to visit.  So far we have just avoided making the plans to have them over.  We value your wisdom and advice and refer to it often!! How do you think we should handle it?

MY ANSWER

Wow! Your situation is complex, and I don’t think there is a clear, Biblical answer to it. It’s different than last week’s blog post in which a 24-year-old son wanted to bring his girlfriend home and spend the night. You’re dealing with an older couple, not family members, and the two have been living together for three years. And it’s a lake house, not your primary residence.

One part of the equation you did not include is whether your daughter’s future in-laws are Christian. In 1 Corinthians 5, the Apostle Paul teaches that we are to confront and even isolate ourselves from fellow Christians when they continue living in flagrant sin. Paul added that he was, “not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy, or swindlers, or idolaters, in that case you would have to leave this world. But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people” (1 Cor. 5:10-11).

Some misguided Christians might label Paul a legalist, but this is the same man who wrote extensively about the importance of grace and spiritual freedom. God is merciful and full of grace, but Christians are still challenged to live by a higher standard. That sometimes means confronting and holding each other accountable. It’s not legalistic to oppose sin. It’s not hateful to follow New Testament teaching. I read recently, “Truth sounds like hate to those who hate the truth.”

Jesus said, “By their fruit, you shall know them.” So let’s assume your daughter’s future in-laws are not Christian. Some Christian counselors would suggest you ignore the fact that they aren’t married and let them sleep together in your lake house. Then you can develop a congenial relationship with them and hopefully plant the seed of the gospel in their hearts and, in time, they will respond favorably.

I am of the opinion that would be a mistake. It would set an unhealthy precedent and send a wrong message to the rest of your family and friends as well as to the unmarried couple themselves. When King Herod brought his brother’s wife to Jerusalem, and the two moved in together, John the Baptist did not keep silent. He didn’t reason, “That’s the world acting like the world. Who am I to judge?” No. John rebuked Herod publicly saying, “It is not right for you to have your brother’s wife.”  That courageous stand against sin cost John his life.

If someone was invited to your lake house who was a frequent drug-user would you permit them to use cocaine in your cabin for fear they would be offended if you objected?” Of course not — even if they’ve been using drugs for three years! The fact that many believers are ambivalent about an unmarried couple sleeping together in their home illustrates how the Biblical standards of sexual purity and the sanctity of marriage have eroded in recent years. We’ve been desensitized by our culture.

Although this is a personal, difficult decision for you and your husband, here is what I would do. (After all, you’ve asked!) With your daughter’s permission, I would have a conversation with your future son-in-law and ask for his help. I would say something like, “We want to have a good relationship with your dad and his girlfriend. However, to invite them to the lake house puts us in an awkward position. As you know, we have convictions about people living together without marriage and to permit them to spend the night together in our house would violate those convictions. Would you explain our position to them and see if out of respect for our beliefs would they be willing to sleep in separate bedrooms when they come?

Admittedly, that’s dangerous because the couple could be offended and distance themselves. On the other hand, it may serve to convict them and perhaps even motivate them to repent and follow God’s will. It’s also dangerous because it could make your son-in-law feel uncomfortable and harm your relationship with him. On the other hand, it could serve to open up a healthy discussion and deepen your relationship with him. Who knows?

We can’t control the reaction of others. However, we can stand for truth with compassion and leave the results up to God. Remember He has promised, “ If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you” (James 1:5).

I trust that as you pray for guidance, God will make His will clear to you. I don’t feel like we have a clear cut answer from scripture for this issue, so it’s crucial for you to pray and follow how the Lord leads you in this matter.  We would all be interested in hearing how your situation turns out.

-Bob

.

Follow BobRussellKY on Twitter and LIKE the Bob Russell page on Facebook