Occasionally people email me asking for my opinion on various personal or church issues. I recently received the following email which I have reprinted below, followed by my response.
EMAILED QUESTION:
“Dear Mr. Russell, My husband and I recently had a dispute and it led to my husband assaulting me and I had to seek medical treatment and I had a concussion. I know God tells us to forgive and the only grounds for divorce is for adultery or abandonment. I feel that he broke our marriage vowels when he struck me and caused me harm. I’m finding it hard to reconcile with him. I’m trying to forgive him but I can’t forget the assault. We have sought Christian Counseling but he is in denial of what happened. He is blaming everyone but himself. My question to you is do I have Biblical grounds for divorce? I would appreciate your advice. “
MY ANSWER:
So sorry to hear about the strife and subsequent physical abuse in your marriage. That is awful! Regardless of the nature of your disagreement your husband is not justified in physically abusing you. I pray you have fully recovered.
You are right…the New Testament gives two justifications for divorce: adultery and abandonment. If your mate has been unfaithful (Matthew 19) or if there is a spiritual divide in the marriage and your partner leaves because of your commitment to Christ you are freed of the relationship (1 Cor. 7:15).
Spousal abuse isn’t listed in Scripture as one of the reasons for divorce. However, while you don’t have a Biblical justification for divorce (and remarriage) I don’t think you are obligated to live with your husband and continue to put yourself in harm’s way. You do have the option of separating from him until you are convinced it is safe to reconcile.
Even though his behavior has smothered any romantic affection you have toward him, your goal should not be divorce but eventual restoration of the marriage and a rekindling of romance. Remember, “All things are possible with God.”
I would recommend you separate from your husband immediately. It is best if you pack his bags and demand that he leave. If he refuses then you go somewhere else. Inform him that any possibility of reconciliation is contingent upon his genuine repentance and complete rebirth in Christ.
You leave the impression in your email that this attack was the first (although the severity of your injury suggests otherwise). Inform him that you have been so deeply wounded physically and emotionally that you will not consider restoration until there is overwhelming evidence of genuine repentance.
In the future you can communicate to him the specific indicators that would prove to you that he has repented. Those would include: a contrite sprit that admits guilt and makes a humble apology, attending a series of counseling sessions with a counselor of your choosing and dramatic evidence of a change of behavior and character. Most importantly your husband needs a genuine walk with Christ who can make all things new.
Don’t move back in with him until enough time is passed that you are thoroughly convinced he has genuinely repented. Before you do, inform him that any hint of physical abuse in the future means the relationship is terminated. In the meantime, work to develop a deeper walk with Christ yourself. Avoid the temptation to get involved with someone else. Establish respect by demonstrating that you intend to go on with life on your own. Get involved in a support group at church or in your community.
You will probably hear some people say, “Divorce him. People never change. This will be a lifelong problem. Leave him and get on with your life.” When you’re angry and hurt you’re tempted to follow their counsel, but remember two promises of God. “If anyone is in Christ he is a new creation, the old is gone and the new has come.” When the most rebellious people surrender their lives to the Lord the Holy Spirit can dramatically transform them. That can happen to your husband.
The second promise is about the power of prayer. Jesus said, “If you ask anything in my name it will be granted to you.” Spend time in prayer for your husband. Ask God to change him. Pray that you will grow also. Ask the Lord to remove any bitter root that may grow in you. Ask God to give you wisdom and discernment about what to do in the future. Ask Him to remind you of those traits that you once loved and admired in your husband and when the time comes to rekindle romance.
The world treats marriage as though it is an invention of man. Christians regard marriage as a covenant with our spouse and with God. Jesus said we’re not to divorce. If you do everything within your power to allow God to restore the relationship He will honor your efforts.
I pray for God’s miraculous power to work in your marriage.
– Bob
