Occasionally people ask my opinion on various personal or church issues. I recently received the following question which I have reprinted below, followed by my response.
QUESTION:
Bob,
My wife and I feel like we are becoming the leftovers in our adult son’s life. He spends more and more time with his fiancé’s family and we are worried that after they are married this summer we might be totally left out of things. Don’t get me wrong, we love our future daughter-in-law and already treat her like a daughter. Do you have any advice on how to keep from feeling left out of our son’s marriage?
MY ANSWER:
It’s not uncommon for parents – especially the groom’s parents – to feel “left out” of their child’s wedding and future plans. Sometimes it’s because the young man is so enamored with his fiancé and her family that he unconsciously neglects his own. If that’s the case your best response is just to wait. He will soon discover every family is imperfect and his appreciation of his own home will resurface.
The distancing you feel may be caused by the fact that your son or future daughter-in-law could have an unexpressed grievance against you. If you conclude that could be the case it would be wise for you to confront your son and ask, “Is there something wrong that we need to talk about?” (See Matthew 18:15) and hope he will be transparent with you and enable healing and forgiveness to take place. However, if I were you, I wouldn’t immediately jump to that conclusion.
The most likely explanation is that your expectations for your involvement with your son and his fiancé are unrealistic. The Bible says a man is to “…leave father and mother and cleave to his wife.” (Genesis 2:24) When adult children practice that principle some parents feel rejected or abandoned. Remember, your job as a parent is to train your children to live without you and then release them into adulthood. Your goal should be for him to be able to function on his own.
The degree to which your adult son eventually becomes your friend is almost entirely up to him. You can’t force him to be close if he doesn’t want to be. If you beg, whine, plead, pout, threaten and put a guilt trip on him he may come to visit you out of obligation, but you don’t want that because a forced relationship isn’t a loving or rewarding relationship. You want him to come see you and be involved in your life because he wants to be there and enjoys your company. The only way to achieve that is for you to completely release him and let him know you’re not going to interfere or demand attention. You can and will go on and enjoy your life without him.
I have two sons, two daughters-in-law and seven grandchildren, and I am thankful we have what seems to me a good relationship with them. I’d offer the following suggestions:
1. You may have to be the initiator of family gatherings. In most circumstances if you wait for your kids to plan a birthday party, a Thanksgiving get-together or a family outing, it will never happen. But if you call a few days in advance and suggest, “How about you guys coming to our house three weeks from Friday to celebrate the upcoming birthday?” They may agree to come and you will have a great time. But you have to initiate the idea, make the detailed plans, be flexible about dates and be willing to cover the cost. And don’t keep score about who sponsored the outing last time.
2. Give them space. When you feel left out, say nothing. Don’t chastise or wear your feelings on your sleeve. If they show up great…if not your life goes on without demanding they somehow make up for slighting you.
3. Anticipate that when grandchildren arrive it usually provides a golden opportunity for relationships to deepen. Grandchildren provide an excuse to visit and a source for common conversation. Your children may need you to baby-sit or to assist financially in a costly project. Normally you will feel much more needed and involved once grandchildren arrive. Again be willing to adjust to their schedule, don’t demand that they adjust to yours.
4. Do your best to get along with the parents of your daughter-in-law. It’s ideal when the parents of newly-weds get along well with each other. You’re not in competition with each other so try not to force your children into camps, defending or attacking each other’s parents. People have the capacity to love more than one person at a time. The better you get along with your daughter-in-law’s parents the more likely you are to spend joyful occasions with your family.
5. Release them on holidays to spend time with their in-laws. Few things will make your adult children more grateful than you being flexible on Christmas and other holidays. You can celebrate Christmas a few days early or late and little is lost. That really helps relationships with in-laws as well.
6. Encourage them. You’ve lived beyond the days when you can tell your son and especially your daughter-in-law what to do. Be supportive. Give positive reinforcement. Bite your tongue when you’re tempted to be critical of them and be there to buoy them up when the tough times come.
7. Give generous and reasonable financial help. Don’t wait until you die to will them a chunk of money. They need it now. Slip your daughter-in-law a $100 bill once in a while. Share a generous check with them at Christmas. Jesus said, “Use worldly wealth to gain friends for yourselves, so that when it’s gone, you will be welcomed into eternal dwellings” (Luke 16:9). The application to family relationships is obvious.
8. Pray for them every day and look for opportunities to worship with them. When you share a common faith in Jesus Christ, He will help bond you together over time.
9. Be joyful and fun to be around. The Bible says, “A merry heart does good like medicine.” Few things attract others like a sense of humor and a positive spirit.
It’s a great day when your children and grandchildren call and say, “Do you mind if we come over to your house…and can we bring some friends? We want them to meet you!” But those in-depth relationships don’t happen overnight, so “Be completely humble and gentle, be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace” (Ephesians 4:2-3).
– Bob
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