Occasionally people ask my opinion on various personal or church issues. I recently received the following question which I have reprinted below, followed by my response.

QUESTION

Bob,

My brother is an alcoholic, and he is dying.  He has been to rehab twice and stayed 30 days each time.  He has chosen to go right back to drinking. His body is so sick that he does not have a great deal of time. My question is how do I accept that he may pass away from this disease?  It hurts so badly to watch someone destroy their life, and I’m so sad.  Are there any verses that can help me through this time?

Thank you.

MY ANSWER

Sorry to hear this tragic news about your brother.  When we care deeply about someone, it’s so painful to see them become involved in addictive, self-destructive behavior.  Usually, they don’t listen to reason, and there’s very little you can do. It’s incredibly frustrating!

My daughter-in-law Kellie has a younger brother who is doing the exact same thing as your brother and all the pleading and preaching to him has been to no avail.  He is a very sharp, charismatic, talented guy and she loves him dearly, but she has come to the point where she has accepted the fact that there’s nothing more she can do except pray and minister to the children he’s left behind.

Kellie said she fully expects one day to get a phone call that he has not made it.  I’m going to forward your email to her, and maybe she’ll have some thoughts that will be helpful.

Second Corinthians 1:4 says that God comforts us in our troubles so that in turn we can comfort others.  I’m sure the Lord will use your struggles to be a source of understanding and encouragement to others in the future.

In the parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15), I’m impressed that the boy’s Father stood on the porch and waited for his son to come home.  He didn’t go into the far country and search for him and attempt to drag him home. There is a place for that (the parable of the lost sheep) but sometimes we’ve done all we can do, and we have to release prodigals to God in hopes that when they hit rock bottom, they will come staggering home in repentance.

While you wait and pray for your brother, do your best not to let his problems negatively impact your joy to the point you lose your positive influence on your own family and friends.  The Bible says “Never be lacking in zeal, keep your spiritual fervor serving the Lord.  BE JOYFUL IN HOPE, PATIENT IN AFFLICTION, FAITHFUL IN PRAYER” (Romans 12:11-12).

If your brother is a Christian, please read 1 Corinthians 5:9-13 which suggests there is a point where we completely withdraw fellowship from wayward believers in hopes that the isolation will motivate them to repent and return to God and the church.

First Peter 5:7 says, “Cast all your anxiety on him because He cares for you.” Try to release the future of your brother to the Lord and do your best to go on with your life.  – God Bless!

– Bob

MY DAUGHTER-IN-LAW, KELLIE, SENT HIM THE FOLLOWING EMAIL 

My name is Kellie Russell. I am Bob Russell’s daughter-in-law. He passed along your email to me in hopes that I might be of some encouragement or comfort to you. 

I hear the pain and suffering in the tone of your letter, and I can completely sympathize with you.  I am so very sorry for all you and your family are going through. I ache for you and your brother. Jesus said that Satan comes to “steal, kill and destroy” (John 10:10) and nowhere is that more clearly demonstrated than in the life of an addict. It is one of the most painful things I have ever witnessed or experienced. 

My brother is an alcoholic — like the kind that drinks hand sanitizer —  and Satan has used his addictions to steal everything from him: his wife and children and any sense of a normal life. He has killed his body, mind & spirit for many years now. He has lived on the streets as a homeless person…or worse.  He has been in I.C.U. – twice near the point of death. He knows that if he swallows one more drop of alcohol he will die. So he changed his drug of choice to heroin.  

Recently he went through 3 months of treatment for Hepatitis C.  I can’t even tell you how many times he has started rehab and quit … and how many times he has lied and cheated and stolen from his family & friends.  He is constantly being arrested and jailed for various things.  He won’t even talk to me anymore.  And when he speaks to my parents (once every three months or so), it’s from someone else’s phone. And, of course, he always asks for money. 

SATAN HAS DESTROYED HIM. There is nothing left of my old brother. So I have learned to see it as a very slow, excruciating death.  Sometimes people try to tell me that as long as he is still alive, then there is still hope. Maybe they are right.  God can resurrect people from the dead. But He rarely does that.  

I also know that a very long time ago, my brother was baptized as a child.  He grew up in church. He knows the scriptures. BUT I can’t say for sure that Jesus was ever truly the LORD of his life. Only God can know his heart. He has demons to fight that I don’t have and I can’t see the spiritual battles he faces.  SO what does God do with all that?  I don’t know???   My theology and my passion and compassion for my brother get very tangled up there. 

I do know my own scars, and my own dysfunction, and my own sin…and we did come from the same family. And I know how much courage and faith it took for me at certain times in my life to make certain decisions to be a Christ-follower.  So I often say, (quoting John Bradford from the 1500’s), “There, but for the grace of God, go I.”

And then there’s the concept of the thief on the cross and what we call “deathbed” conversions and confessions of faith.  Who can know what happens in those precious moments between Jesus and the soul of someone He is trying to rescue? I may not be there when the spirit of my brother slips away into eternity, but Jesus will be there extending His mercy…patiently offering His grace.  And maybe, just maybe, my brother will accept it. Maybe your brother will too. It only takes faith the size of a mustard seed. 

I will tell you that I used to chase after my brother.  I used to try to “help” him and talk to him. I used to attempt to find him and visit him and give him money or gifts. I did everything I could to show him I loved him.  I used to try to play along with him and let him con me. But when I stopped giving him what he wanted, he got very angry. The last time I saw him, he made it clear he didn’t want me to find him anymore. He hasn’t contacted me in over two years. So I have grieved and grieved and grieved. And I will continue to grieve some more. I often think about what I could have done or said differently, but I know in my heart it is not my fault. I still get really frustrated when he uses my parents and hurts them.  But I have discovered something unexpected – the more I let go, the more I start remembering the old brother I used to have. I start having good memories again. I start forgiving him. I start loving him again. I stop expecting him to be different and I start accepting him for who he really is.  I can’t really explain that. But that’s the healing I’ve prayed for. 

I don’t know how imminent your brother’s death may be or if there is actually a sliver of hope for him. But I do know that there is enough GRACE for either situation. We live in a fallen, dark world with a lot of pain. And that is why we need a Savior. So pour out your heart to Him. He will be faithful to comfort you. Worship Him. Stay with His Church…the Body of Christ will minister to you. Surrender even this horrible thing to Him and trust that He will work everything for your good and for His glory (Romans 8:28).

I hope this mini support group session was helpful. Sometimes there just aren’t easy answers. But we can be broken together. That’s what communion is all about. 

Feel free to keep me posted on how things are going. 

In Christ, 
Kellie Russell

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