Last week’s blog on Parental Estrangement prompted a number of heart-rending responses. Godly parents shared how their adult children had cut them off and demanded “no contact” with them—or even with their grandchildren. Many alienated parents can’t pinpoint an exact cause for the separation but believe it stems from disagreement over values rather than past mistreatment. Others described how political differences made holidays tense—and in some cases disastrous. The bottom line is that, in many cases, their children no longer share their moral and spiritual values and want nothing to do with them.
One woman in California commented:
“Great read, but sadly the kids aren’t reading that kind of instruction. They are reading psych babble about putting boundaries on us parents—labeling their parents as narcissistic or passive-aggressive, but of course never applying those labels to themselves. They aren’t pondering the verses that are so clear. Please write to hurting parents.”
She went on to ask:
“How do you just walk away from your kids you’ve poured into, loved, and invested in? How do you forget the pain of their rejection? How do you forget when you’re walking on eggshells—even if you’re ‘allowed’ to be with them and the grandchildren—because you’re afraid you’ll say the wrong thing? How do you even want them at Christmas when the tension is so heavy? Honestly, it would be easier if they didn’t even come. That sounds harsh, I know.
“How do you just roll over and let the mother-in-law control every detail of your kids’ lives? How do you accept her moving in and taking over when the new grandbaby comes? How do you stop the tears when you’re so tired of crying, but the tears just keep falling?”
She concluded,
“It’s a daily choice to lay it all down at the feet of Jesus… a daily choice to forgive.”
A broken-hearted father wrote:
“Your column about parental estrangement was absolutely spot on. Unfortunately, it hit home twice. I have a daughter, now 24, whom I have not heard from in over five years. All seemed fine while she was in college until COVID hit and she had to come home. One day my wife and I took a short trip and returned to find a note saying she wanted nothing to do with us—that we were judgmental, controlling, and didn’t accept the LGBTQ community. She also objected to my support of President Trump in 2020. At the end of the note, she said that if we came looking for her, she would call the police.
“Christmas and birthday cards with gifts were returned to sender. What hurts even more is that my son, who lives just 50 miles away, cut us off at the same time. We haven’t heard from him either. We don’t put our other children in a bad situation—they visit and stay in touch—but we don’t press them for information. Your article brought me to tears. Thank you for writing with such love.”
Obviously, there are many Christian parents who are hurting. Their parenting wasn’t perfect, but they did their best to raise their children “in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” Now, not only have their children departed from the faith, they want nothing to do with the parents who introduced them to Christ. That is deeply painful.
That kind of alienation can happen to even the best of parents. My wife and I are grateful it hasn’t been our experience. Our two grown sons, seven grown grandchildren, and their spouses are all on the same page spiritually. Because of that, I don’t feel fully qualified to dispense advice. What follows is drawn from the wisdom of others, personal observation, and prayerful reflection on God’s Word.
Romans 12:18 says, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Sometimes it isn’t possible. Sometimes it no longer depends on you. In those cases, perhaps the only thing left is to imitate the father of the prodigal son—standing on the porch, watching and praying. When his son returned, the father welcomed him without demanding explanations or apologies.
In the meantime, don’t allow your prodigal to rob you of the joy of your salvation. There’s a saying: “You’re only as happy as your unhappiest child.” Don’t let that be true. Don’t allow Satan to score a double victory. Your spouse, your other children, your grandchildren, and your Christian friends deserve the best version of you—not a mopey, melancholy Eeyore. They need the example of someone who has truly discovered that “the joy of the Lord is my strength.”
So “…shake the dust off your feet” and wait joyfully.
“But those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint”
(Isaiah 40:31).
