Recently I received an email from a preacher wrestling with whether or not to take a recently orphaned boy into his home. The young man’s situation elicits deep sympathy, and while we are commanded to care and serve for those in need, not all situations are easy to answer.
“Hi Bob,
I’m writing for counsel on a family-life question.
About a year ago I learned of a 12-year-old boy whose mother, father, and grandmother had all passed away and who was living with his great-aunt, who had been diagnosed with terminal cancer. He’s 12 and would have nowhere to go, so my wife and I began praying for him. Three months ago his aunt passed away and three days later I received a call from the Dept. of Child Services asking if we’d be able to take him in. We knew we had to help him.
Things have been pretty good overall except for the fact that he (“Jack”) does not want to be with us and doesn’t like to be around younger children. He has been an only child and we have four younger children. On top of that, we recently learned my wife is expecting our fifth biological child. DCS had told us they planned to move him because he didn’t want to be here, but they have since changed their minds and want him to stay now if possible.
We are torn. I am wrestling with these questions:
What is best for “Jack”?
What is best for my other 5 children?
What is best for my wife who is now expecting another child?
What should I do as a Christian? As a father? As a husband?
Thank you for your time.
Your Brother in Christ”
Any of us with a desire to follow the teachings of Christ can empathize with the dilemma of this pastor. Like so many of life’s challenges there arent always easy answers (claude fix).
Allie Beth Stuckey wrote a book entitled Toxic Empathy — How Progressives Exploit Christian Compassion. She points out empathy is a powerful emotion but it is not always positive; in fact, empathy can be toxic. Stuckey argues that left-wing activists manipulate the human desire to be kind. The book contends this emotional manipulation bullies Christians into unbiblical stances on key cultural issues to avoid the accusation of lacking compassion or being hypocritical.
The book makes a valid point. Sometimes compassion can be misplaced. What appears to be compassion to one may come at the expense of another and ultimately do more harm than good. It’s essential Christ-followers learn to determine priorities because compassion toward one group may show a lack of empathy toward another.
Should compassion toward a mother with an unwanted pregnancy take precedence over concern for the unborn baby? Should compassion for the illegal alien take precedence over concern for the safety of law-abiding citizens? Should compassion for those struggling with gender dysphoria take precedence over a young woman competing in a swim meet? Should compassion for the underprivileged criminal take precedence over justice for the wounded victim?
Genuine sympathy has to be prioritized and balanced with godly wisdom.
With that in mind, here’s my response to the pastor:
Thank you for your compassionate spirit toward “Jack”. What a sad situation! I appreciate your desire to help him and believe you are asking the right questions. I have strong opinions on issues of adoption and foster care but my ideas are not revelations from God so I understand if you disagree and don’t follow my counsel.
I think you are asking the right questions but not in the right order. The questions are not of equal importance. Some take priority over the others. As you seek to find God’s will I think the questions should be asked in this order:
(1) What is best for my wife who is now expecting a 5th child? She comes first. Just taking in a 12-year-old is a monumental challenge for a mother — especially a mother who already has four younger children. And the twelve-year-old doesn’t like younger children and doesn’t want to be there? Now she’s pregnant with a 5th child? Impossible! I’m sure she’s a wonderful person but she’s not a combination of Superwoman and Mother Teresa!
(2) What is best for my other five children? We can’t predict the future but odds are you are creating a lot of turmoil and unrest that will rob your children of the normal family relationships they should have growing up in a Christian home. The fact that “Jack” doesn’t like younger children and resents being there makes me fear for your children’s safety.
(3) What should I do as a Christian? That’s not always easy to answer but you have a responsibility first to your wife and biological children. You can’t adopt every needy child. You have to say no to most for the good of your own children and family. You certainly shouldn’t feel guilty about not forcing a soon-to-be-teenager to stay in your home against his will. It’s just a matter of time until he’ll be running away or keeping you awake at night wondering where he is. That takes needed attention and energy away from your biological children.
(4) What is best for “Jack”? As sad as his circumstances are you can’t erase the pain he is experiencing. You can’t make up for what has happened. At this point I think you should respect his wishes, turn him over to Child Services and let the Lord minister to him through someone else. However, before you turn “Jack” over to CS, it would be well to make an appeal to your church. Maybe there’s someone in your congregation who is in a better season of life to take him in. That would give him a better chance to know the Lord and live a fulfilling life. Keep praying for him. Maybe the Lord will find an environment for him that’s better than you can provide.
God told Abraham to send Hagar and Ishmael away for the good of Sarah and Isaac. And God took care of those who departed. I pray he’ll do the same for “Jack”.
— Bob
