Occasionally people ask my opinion on various personal or church issues. I recently received the following question which I have reprinted below, followed by my response.
QUESTION
Bob,
We have been members of our church for over a decade. In recent years a doctrinal issue has risen that I thought would be a no-brainer for the leadership because the Biblical teaching is quite clear concerning this matter.
Much to our shock, this Biblically clear-cut issue resulted in a two-year wrestling match between our ministerial staff and the elders. Sadly, our elders are not Biblically united. This issue has taken a heavy, stressful toll on the entire church but especially on the only two well-anchored and Biblically grounded elders in the church.
One of these elders called me and asked me the question, “When is enough, enough?” When do we reach a point where it is time to shake the dust off our shoes and move on? Our family is now seriously considering this very question. When is it time for us to leave the church? How do we know if it is time to close this spiritual chapter and move on to the next?
MY ANSWER
Sorry you are in a church that is not in harmony. Jesus prayed that His followers would be one, so the world would believe He is the Son of God. A house divided against itself cannot stand, and a divided church negates discipleship and is a poor testimony to the world.
However, leaving a church should be a serious matter and never taken lightly. In this age of consumerist mentality, too many church-hoppers jump from church to church because they find one that’s more exciting or has better music or has deeper preaching. The church is a family, and relationships matter. Church should not be simply what’s good for you at the moment. Sometimes families need to work through difficulties and come out stronger on the other side.
But Jesus warned that in the last days, there would be many departures from the faith. That applies not just to individuals and to teachers who “say what itching ears want to hear,” but to churches as well. Revelation 2 warns of a church that had “lost its first love,” and a church that “held to the teachings of Balaam” and a church that tolerated sexual immorality.
So there does come a time to leave a church and find another body of believers with whom you can genuinely worship and serve. Since that should be a calculated and cautious decision, I suggest you ask the following questions:
1. Are the issues we disagree about truly doctrinal, or are they matters of opinion? There’s an old slogan, “Methods are many; principles are few. Methods always change; principles never do.” Be sure you’re not making a doctrinal issue out of methods or opinions. Be flexible and willing to sacrifice your preferences for the good of others.
If the church leaders are taking a stand contrary to the clear teaching of Scripture, that’s another matter. It is not wise to stay in a church and support a ministry that is leading people astray.
2. Are the issues solvable? This question takes wisdom to discern, but some issues can be resolved with time. Maybe you need to be patient. If the vast majority of the church leaders are on the same page, perhaps the differences can be settled. If the church leaders are themselves divided, chances of resolution are slim.
3. Have I confronted the issues in love? The Bible says, “…if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted” (Gal. 6:1). Most of the time, church members should not just slip away quietly without confronting the appropriate leaders as to why. If you’re angry and are eager to give them a piece of your mind, don’t go. Make sure you speak the truth in love, and maybe your communication could help them in the future.
4. Will I only compound the problem by staying? If you stay, will you be a constant source of irritant to the church and its leaders? Will you only make matters worse by your attitude and body language because you are miserable? Will you and your family go home Sunday after Sunday complaining and unhappy instead of edified and joyful?
5. What are the alternatives? Every sheep needs a fold, and all followers of Christ need a body of believers with whom they can worship, be accountable, and grow to maturity. But remember, there is no perfect church. Someone once said, “If you find a perfect church, don’t join it, or you’ll mess it up!” Every church is made up of imperfect people. Don’t withdraw before considering where you’re going to land. Consider the alternatives and how much may have to be tolerated in the new church.
6. Is my family on the same page? Husbands and wives should be unified in this decision. Although children may not fully understand, their feelings and preferences should be taken into consideration. Ephesians 6:4 cautions, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” (It’s important that a thorough explanation be given to children so the move to a new church can be a learning experience for them.
7. How many people will be hurt by my leaving? There are probably people in the church who respect you and will miss you. Before leaving, you need to consider how you can leave without wounding them any more than necessary. While you shouldn’t murmur behind the scenes and further divide the church, you should be ready to give a tactful reason and helpful instruction when asked.
8. How can I leave peaceably? Romans 12:18 says, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” It’s probably impossible to leave without causing some rancor. But you should leave as calmly as possible. Undoubtedly, you will meet church members in the community in the future. Continue to communicate and remain friends as much as possible. Don’t burn bridges you will need to cross later.
9. Have I made this a matter of intense prayer? Such a critical decision should be prayed about for some time. Jesus promised, “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened to you” (Matthew 7:7). If you pray about your decision long enough, the door will open, and the answer will be clear.
I don’t know enough about your situation to advise you to stay or leave. I know it must be frustrating to go home from worship services week after week, angry and/or empty. There does come a time to leave, and I’m confident, after considering these questions and earnestly praying about it, the Lord will direct your path.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight” (Proverbs 3:5-6).
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